2:05 am - 2004-02-07
trust no one
why is it, that just when you think you have things figured out, and it's all slowly getting better, the whole world feels the need to explode right underneath you? it's not fair. it's not fair that a person has the power to make your heart pound, your hands quiver, your forehead sweat, your mind race, and your eyes hurt. it isn't fair that someone whom you couldn't care less about can have that power over you.
glen cheated on me. with his ex and with marissa, a girl i was friends with in middle school. he fucked them. he fucked them! he fucked me. he lied to me. everything. when i asked him (via aim) tonight if i wasn't good enough for him, his simple-yet brutal-reply was: Tina is my love angel. i am over him. and i thought i was over my memories with him. i guess our past meant more to me than i thought, and less to him. his excuse for asking me out was because he "was on XTC". yet he never dumped me, just kept whispering all his sugar-coated untruths into my ears. i let him touch me. i let him love me. i let me love him. i never loved anyone, had that type of relationship with anyone in my life. i thought that because he was 21, a real grown-up, that he would be past all that immaturity. my thoughts count for nothing.
the thing that hurts the most, is that i thought he was a good one. i felt bad for breaking up with him. i felt bad for ruining his life with stupid drugs. i felt bad for not being strong enough to stand with him in these hard times (the "addiction", parents' divorce, grandma sick, Tina troubles). i never had any ill feelings about/towards him. this is what i get. it takes so much for me to trust someone. it does, it does. but i did it. i loved like i'd never been hurt. big mistake. i let myself fall deep in love with him. i let him sleep in my bed, wear my t-shirts, borrow my money. i let my grades slip. i opened myself up as wide as i could for him. and i let him right in. stupid girl. how can i trust again? he was the nicest boyfriend i have ever had. he bought me toothpaste and conditioner and razor blades when i couldn't afford it. he paid for my club dues, my yearbook, and for my cap & gown. he got off work early to take me to the tip of the county to see my dad. he loved me. but he didn't. he lied to me. what am i going to do? i never ever want to be with anyone again. because even when it seems like everything is going well, it isn't. it's slowly shooting holes in your world, while you are blinded by the happiness. i was blind. now i see, and i will not ever let myself fall again.
he fucked them. without condoms. he fucked me. without condoms. he fucked marissa. she's a slut. i feel so sick. i thought i was going to throw up. and i keep thinking that this will all be over when i go off to college. it won't. i just realized that guys exist everywhere, not just here, in my neck of the woods. that really makes me want to become a lesbian. how can you cheat on someone? i cannot even fathom hurting somebody, let alone do it! how can you touch another person knowing you have someone else already awaiting your touch? how can you tell me "whatever happens happens...its in the past..." but it is killing me right now! it has ruined me for the future. i feel so stupid. i was prancing around like a giddy little lovesick school girl while he was out being a whore. i told all my friends about breakfast in bed, and about our amazing trip to georgia. i do not want to tell them this.
bob, i am going to stop ranting and raving now. again, i sound like a little school girl. why am i so pathetic? i spent my 2nd day as an adult doing homework and trying to get myself drunk. i'm buzzed. that's all. goodness, why me? i am a good person. is that why? my heart hurts.
