10:07 a.m. - September 14, 2004
bad to the bone
im not a good person. ive thought about it a lot lately, and i feel like im a bad person. i feel like nothing i do is good enough for anyone else, and i feel like im not going to ever get anywhere in life.
sometimes, i smoke cigarettes. and lie about it. and when im done with it, i usually dont feel like finding a trash can...and you know what happens then. (i litter.)
i curse like a sailor. its disgusting. but no matter how hard i try, i cant stop. its a part of me.
i blame my mom for my stepfathers death. and i blame her for every bad thing that has ever happened to my family. i ask her almost every day to give away my brother. to give him up to the state. only a bad person could think of doing that to their little brother.
i like drugs. i love drugs. i cant ever imagine them not in my life. i dont ever want to be sober forever. i like alcohol-i like being drunk. i like the recklessness of my behavior when im intoxicated. i like drunken sex.
i like sex. i dont ever want to get married, i dont ever want to be in love. i just want men to touch my body. ill have sex with people i dont know and people i know i shouldnt. sometimes with protection, sometimes without...anything goes.
when i do fall, i make life miserable for the other person, so they wont want me anymore. i dont know why...i just do.
i dont give money to the homeless or to those on the street. i dont give them my pity either. i treat the mormons and jehovas and most other solicitors like shit. just because.
i think most people are inherently stupid and cant get out of it. theyre doomed to live a stupid, little, unenlightened life. and im here to be above them.
i steal from stores, whatever i want. just because i feel like the world owes me something (although deep down i know i deserve what ive gotten).
im not good enough for my own father to love me. his oldest daughter. im not good enough for anyone to love me. a lot of my relationships are only skin-deep. they arent real. they arent unconditional.
i never say: keep the change. its mine and i want it back. unless its a penny..then they can have it...a penny isnt worth my precious time. i think a lot of babies are ugly. i lie to people when they ask me if they look fat. i lie to people when they ask me if theyre singing on stage was flat.
im lazy! i dont do my homework ever. i make up excuse to teachers for extensions and never follow through. i dont work out-although i know i should. i would rather watch sponge bob than read grapes of wrath. i skip classes that i know i shouldnt skip. i dont really even care about my future.
i want to be a teacher more for the benefits than for the children. i already know that if i do teach, the cute ones will be my favorites.
i dont pray or believe in god or anything. i dont even care if a god exists or not. i dont care about any afterlife. all i care about is me now.
when i babysit at other people's houses...i go through their stuff to see what theyre hiding. i go through thier kitchen and eat the good stuff. i sit the kids down in front of the tv and do what i want. im too lazy to care.
ive made up my mind...im a bad person.
