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6:10 p.m. - May 24, 2005
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i told myself to forget reid. to forget santa fe. so far, id have to say im doing an okay job.

shan and i decided to take a trip to the nearest beach (st. augustine) and be bums. spend our days on the beach and our nights in the car. weve already stocked up on soda and chips, now all we need is the drugs.

we went to her dealers place (which is also the place a lot of her sex-and sometimes mine-comes from). he gave us valium. free. i took 2 but felt nothing really, but id smoked before..maybe that affected it?

he pulls shan into his room to talk to her. she pulls me outside to talk to me. "which one do you want?" referring to the guy or his cousin whos visiting.

apparently, thats what they talked about in his room. i was never aware that i was being pimped out for the evening. but i really want some yay.

so, another valium i ate and some shots i took. i wasnt fucked up enough for what was about to conspire. but that definitely helped.

i cant go into all the details. 1) i dont remember everything and 2) a lot happened that shouldnt be mentioned again.

but i can say that i had sex with 2 people last night. the cousin was new, but at least the other wasnt. shan and i switched partners a couple times. at one point we were all having sex in the same bed. that was wierd..."whos touching my leg?!" and when i finally stumbled out of that place, the sky was was 7am...

shannon does crazy things to me. i do crazy things to me. i realized last night how much i dont like sex, yet i keep doing it. i really hope theres someone who can make me like it. there has to be, right?

we didnt get any yay...hes out..but hell prolly go get us some tonight. and well hit up st. augustine tomorrow til friday. ive already forgotten so much of my old life, being here. i considered calling reid who is currently in st. augustine, but why? there is 100% no reason. letting go, i am. i have to. and im well on my way-theres no point in regressing.

everything in me hurts. and it has nothing to do with last night (tho, i am a bit drowsy). i need someone to tell me it will stop-go away. but i dont think it will...


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