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3:40 p.m. - July 11, 2005
wanna be like mike
to be 100% honest, i think the only thing keeping me going and averting me from despondency (a word?) is michael.

i dont know how. there is nothing between us. and i dont want there to be. but, apparently, i depend so much on this relationship we have. and thats weird because we dont hang out a lot. we only talk on the phone to talk about hanging out. and our internet communication is pretty much limited to who can be sillier or make the least sense in one sentence. but i need him.

knowing mike is there for me is the most comforting feeling i have right now. (that, and the fact that shannons coming down in august.) i just cannot stress enough how happy i am that he exists in my life. i can only wish that he felt the same about me, but as long as hes still around, i wont let that get to me. i know he values my friendship. and thats good enough for me.

i consider myself very lucky to have him. i think thats why i pretty much lost it last summer when it felt like id lost him. i was so scared of not having him. it absolutely tore me apart. the crying. the pains in my stomach. once i got over wanting him sexually, i was insane with fear id erased him as a friend too.

thank god he doesnt read this. i want him to know how i feel. but i could never have him know all of this.

he just signed on and my face lit up. im so lucky.


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