4:47 p.m. - July 25, 2005
i make myself think of hector. every night. hes what puts me to sleep. with the tv on (thats how mommy has to have it) and the lumpy bed, thinking of us together again is the only thing that soothes me. it puts me in a happy place.
but then i wake up. my thoughts must be very intense. my imagination so good that i fool myself. because when i wake up it takes me a moment. but then i realize, hes not coming to take me to the beach-i made that up. he hasnt deserted his mother and sister and friends in michigan to come back for me. i made that up to.
years after weve ceased all communication. he still breaks my fragile heart. thats a regret. ive vowed to have none-but i regret not being with him longer. granted, there was nothing either of us could do really (well, we could have kept in better touch, but i didnt want to bother him in holland...i think he was too busy for me anyways). but i wish there was another chance. id tell him everything i tell him in my dreams. i just want to do that.
i am so pathetic. with this want for someone to love me. to find me attractive. to want to be around me. it doesnt stop. it just gets worse as my existence goes on.