8:21 a.m. - August 10, 2006
Crazy Love makes me terribly vulnerable.
it makes me expect more from my victims than i ever should have assumed theyd want to give me.
when im in Crazy Love, anything they do that doesnt have to do with me makes me so angry i could hang up on them-and i have.
for no good reason. im irrational. insensitive. selfish. smothery. anything i feel when im with my Crazy Loves is tenfold what id feel any other time.
thank god ive only been in Crazy Love twice. but, its never over. i never get over it. not on purpose. i try!
with michael, i want to be over it-so bad. things used to be amazing. us, as friends. id have been content if he was my only friend in the world and we never so much as hugged. but now-even as i feign friendly, i hate him. i hate him so much for having other friends and priorities. i hate him so much for not loving me the way i love him. and even when were having a nice small talk chit chat, i ruin it by getting jealous and possessive and trying to guilt trip him into wanting to see me.
thats not me! thats nuts. i dont do that. its the Crazy Love. i cant help it.
so, ive ruined any friendship with michael and im on my way with reid. hes my second Love. it didnt start so bad. but whenever i was only getting divided attention from him would throw private temper tantrums. i love every minute we spent together. eating, smoking, sleeping, driving, watching tv, walking around nowhere. when i think new mexico i think reid. its sick.
not my nostalgia. how angry i am at him and the measures im taking as a result of that. its hard enough knowing that he has a girlfriend, ok? but knowing he went to visit her for a week this summer after ive begged him for the last two summers to come see me. and hes always said he would.
i know hes busy. i really really do. and i also know i am not his girlfriend-thus i dont get treated the same. but i thought our friendship was enough to make him want to come visit me. and it hurts so much to know its not. so i push.
i am currently in the process of pushing him away. what else am i to do? what i am most angry about with this is how fucking angry i am. who am i?! to be this pissed? i dont have the right. and if i talk to him, he will be able to feel the tension in me. and i will want to just scream and cry at him. also, with the pushing, ill stop caring. the further he gets from existing to me the less powers he has to hurt me.
i dont know why i believe this will work. ive pushed michael away so hard. and hes accepted it, yet i still go crawling back to him like a beaten dog wanting some sign from him that we could be ok. but really, in theory, this push thing should work. and it will be easier because reid and i 3/4 of the year are two time zones apart and the other 1/4 there still 5 states separating us. i guess its harder with michael because i drive past his house and i know he is so close.
this pushing thing makes me so sad. i want to be a part of reids life. i want to travel with him, lounge with him, learn with him. i want to take care of him. grow up with him. make him love me. but i fucked that up already and theres no going back.
when you are in Crazy Love its all or nothing. unfortunately, i think that anytime i fall like this, it will be unrequited. how crazy would it be if someone behaved towards and thought about me the same ways that i do reid and michael?
i wish i could aptly apologize, but i could never. not out of fear or shame or not caring. but because they could never understand all of the thoughts ive had nor could they understand that an apology could never suffice for the crazy, ridiculous feelings ive harbored.
we're all a lot better of just forgetting i exist.