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8:07 a.m. - September 06, 2006
id rather be pluto than be a part of this solar system
hold your horses...before you start bombarding me with requests to regail you with tales of the night, let me first try and grasp what the word night means, and how it relates in this world to me.

i was fucked up last night and i cant even begin to try to realize what really happened, what it felt like was happening, and what i now can see happening in the future. god just because i was super fucking tripping last night doesnt mean that i cant see straight on thru beondra to whatever exists on the other side of her. doesnt mean that i dont see her changing kris.

i swear to god, somehow that girl can manipulate no matter what state shes in. bars, rolling, or just sober. shes good. and thats how they all get hit by her. hit like a ton of bricks. and they dont see it coming. and they are speechless when its gone.

im not going to send this to you. instead, i will merely copy and paste this into my diary. i am much too pussy and not even prepared to reap repercussions this morning. but i know there will be some. where theres a beondra theres mother fuckin repercussions.

im just glad i erased all my texts before she started going through my phone. god! why can no one else understand how smart this girl is and that she is playing every one of us for fools? ugh! it kills me. it absolutely kills me that they dont realize she was in gifted. even if they did know what that means, no one but the gifted and a special few around can really understand what it all entails.

im not speaking logical anymore. im still fucked up. partially tripping. mostly sleep deprived. im just dreading the next few weeks.

what will jessica think miguel and i did?
what will beondra tell her we did?
will she care?
will i get in trouble for anything?
how can i?
theyre exes and they hate each other and we didnt do anything but make out for 3 seconds anyways. ive done more with miguel on other occassions, but im afraid last night will blow up to unnecessary proportions.

i am so mad at kris and beondra for ruining my night. my trip. and my feeling of comfort around that house. i dont want to go back.

but i do want to go back and i will. its only a matter of time before the gravitational pull of drugs brings me back into the orbit of the house


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