1:06 p.m. - September 23, 2006
since i was fucking 15 years old ive loved glen. its so sick. its so stupid.
i hate myself and him for doing this to me. i hate myself for not being able to overpower these feelings. but they run too deep. before i even have a chance to say:
hey! stop! what the fuck am i doing?!
its too late.
and im texting things like, "i dont know if you know and i dont know why, but i heart you."
i dont know. and today ive had to tell him im done talking to him 3 times (aim) to keep myself from begging him to love me.
he drove to a point of hysterics when we were going out 3 years ago. i sat in my room on the floor crying. getting up to look out the window every 2.3 minutes.
i kept expecting to see him pull up in my driveway. or turn on to my street. and when he didnt i got even more and more crazy. it was horrible.
and thats the feeling i have inside me. i want to cry for him so bad. i dont know why. its always been this way. other guys have put me near this point (mike, reid) but this has always been different. so much more intense. extreme. i can see how beondras gone a little extra crazy with him.
what did i just type and waiting for the perfect time to send?
"man, im afraid to care too much about you...its not safe"
im putting myself out there only for him to shoot me down. not in a rejection way, but in a he-really-doesnt-give-a-shit-way.
i deleted it. but not i copied it, saving it for a few minutes from now when i lose my mind again.
the sanity comes and goes when im thinking about him. its horrible. it goes at the worst times. earlier, i asked him: how do you do it? i was referring to the way he does nothing and makes me love him madly. by the time he responded i realized, um...no. im not letting these thoughts escape my brain.
this is much too long an entry to be about a boy i was with 3 years ago-who cheated on me!