8:07 a.m. - October 05, 2006
but hes falling in love with alex.
and shes falling in love with him.
i dont fit anywhere into that equation.
besides, miguels falling in love with me.
and thats ok.
why should i focus all of my energies on a doomed relationship?
why should i keep ignoring these feelings for miguel? how can i? i cant ignore that i wait for him to come back into a room whenever he leaves or that i hope hes awake whenever i get there-or else i wake him up as soon as i do.
these arent thoughts i can control, create, manipulate, stifle. they are inherent. half the time i dont even realize thats what im thinking then i catch myself...falling.
and he feels the same and i feel happier. he said he cares about me and thinks about me. yeah, maybe its not true and maybe i shouldnt get excited about this. but how can i not. im trying to keep everything cool. im trying to keep myself from throwing myself into this and having another unsuccessful thing. im trying.
its so nice to have someone to kiss. someone who wants to kiss me. i never in a million years! or at least in the year ive known him-would have seen this coming. maybe around the time when we were rolling and would make out, but then he was blinded by his love for jessica. and that was okay. but lately, we have gravitated towards each other. and we are just always there as constant friends. its nice!
we arent going to make anything official. at least not any time soon. i still dont know if that would work out. i dont know how it would work out. but, regardless, hes still very broken from his last 2 girlfriends. and i think my last 2 boyfriends are still casuing me some problems too. there is no reason for us to rush into anything...no one is going anywhere.
i dont know what im doing. i dont think im ruining a friendship because we arent doing anything so serious or dramatic so as to put our friendship in jeopardy. but at the same time, i dont know how this responsibility is going to be. like, am i responisible to him when i go over there? i hope not. i like going to the house and just wandering from room to room as i please. without a care in the world.
bah. i really dont need to think about this this much. or at least write about it. but just know this, diary-or self or whomever else-im happy. i like him. and i have no feelings of crazy creeping in or around or anywhere. so, this may actually work out.
ha! in like two weeks im going to read this and shake my head laughing to see how naive and stupid i can still be.
no! theres no need for that. everything doesnt have to turn to shit just because i touch it-does it?
no! it doesnt. it cant. why am i so doomed to turn things to shit?
i wont do that. we will remain friends, maybe become lovers. but friends first, foremost, and forever. so dramatic. i dont know if i even care that much. i think i just really like to type.