10:39 a.m. - February 22, 2007
i hate myself. i hate everything i do. i hate how i look. how i talk. how i behave. how i treat people. how i endulge. how i envy. how i eat. how i walk. how i cry. i hate myself.
i am the most pathetic piece of shit. and i dont even think that thats whats bothering me. but im getting really, really hard on myself lately. like...being really mean to myself. and i hate it. i hate how i feel. i wish itd go away. i dont think any of my friends struggle with themselves like i do. the shit i put myself through. i cant even explain it right now. but im a very bad person.
im a bad person in my intentions. and my motives. everything is for me. everyone exists in my world to aid and abet me. i really and truly have no consideration for anyone else. it disgusts me how little i really care. its wrong. so wrong. i am rapidly becoming so numb to everything.
I AM ASPIRING TO BECOME AN ALCOHOLIC!
who does that?!!?
i dont know when this is going to stop. i dont know how to start having more positive thoughts as opposed to completely blank ones. can you have a blank thought? but how? how can i do this. how can i look in the mirror and not remark on how ugly i am? how can i take a shower and not call myself fat?? how can i go into such a frenzy for any runaway tiny rocks of coke and not call myself fucking pathetic? im not dumb. i see myself for what i am.
im weak. i succumb to everything. everything i want i get it. i give it to myself. is that so wrong? yes. when no one else matters in the process. when its all about me and for me. eh. i dont feel like i matter to anyone. or at least to the people i want to matter most to. so...i dont know.
i am scared though because there is absolutely no end in sight. i am on this endless journey for "fun". uninhibited, unrestricted, no holds-barred (whatever that means) "fun". what the fuck is fun anymore? when was the last time i had FUN?! whens the last time i had fun without drugs? never. this journey for fun is taking me through dirty, dark, dingy alley ways. where i dont want to be. but i dont leave...
im sick. i dont know how to change and im not willing. that equals gonna get worse. and i hate myself for being able to call it and not prevent it. of course i fucking do. i hate myself for everything. there is not one thing i do like. im scared. i dont have anyone to confide in. yes, my boyfriend-but he judges more than empathizes. or he thinks about how it affects our relationship. thats not what im all about-the relationship. so, i dont want to bring it up to him...besides what would i say?
hey! look at me! im drowning! no, dont help. i like to drown.
no other people really to consider confiding in. alex? no. shes wrapped up in her life. and i cant blame her or hate her (only myself, of course). but i dont want to go wah-wah-ing because i feel even shittier about myself. shes in this no substance phase and im the complete opposite. so i just feel dirty. plus shes busy. has the boyfriend and school and work. theres no space on her shoulders for my tears.
i have no tears. i realized that at some unsober point yesterday. that there are no tears in me. none. im dry as a bone. i dont care. i dont care about anything. except myself. THIS IS SICK.
i used to want to be committed. i did. i wanted it so bad. and while theres a tiny want in the back of my head now...i dont want the thoughts and actions that come with being crazy. but every day im pushing myself closer to the brink of the insanity drain. every fucking day. and its scary. it seems realer. i can predict somethings going to go horribly bad. i just dont know when or exactly how...i dont have any details. i just know.
this entry. just a long, brown piece of shit. i have so many different thoughts and not enough time or energy to actually sort them all out. and thats where this mr. hanky of an entry comes in.
and this is where i fade out...