8:00 a.m. - March 01, 2007
im trying to be honest with myself, but its really hard when i dont know how to be honest. like...i hear a truth, then i hear myself say another truth a little bit deeper and both are tru..i just dont know what to do!
me and miguel broke up yesterday. 4 months and 10 days after we began being together. i dont know what to do with that. i dont know how to feel. im depressed as shit. i feel like a very bad person. i dont know how life is gonna be from now on. lonely. lost. i dont know.
im not moving on..i love him. and this morning i had thoughts of telling him im kidding and still want to be with him. but, i just read the last entry and i dont think i should be with him if i was thinking like that. i think its that its over its easier to think-oh, well, that wasnt sooo bad. and while it really wasnt sooo bad, it wasnt perfect and if we started again itd prolly end the same way but sooner.
i am very, very scared. what kind of person am i? im a bad one. i dont know how to live in this world. i really dont. i am completely incapable of living a normal, productive life ever. i am going to fail. over and over and over. im scared. not of failure but temptation and laziness and ignorance and selfishness...
i am just really fucked up. since tripping i am having so many thoughts. so many fears. so many epiphanies. and i dont know what to do with them or how to explain them. so, all those things are just swimming around in my head.
part of me thinks suicide is best. i really am not sure of myself succeeding how i want to in the real world. i dont think im strong enough. i think im fucked up enough that i shouldnt exist. i do. how would i do it? ill ponder and get back to you.