7:50 a.m. - April 15, 2007
i check my stats on all 3 diaries every now and then. its dumb, but i like to know if anyone is reading and understanding my words and thoughts and feelings. knowing that one person has read one entry helps me believe that these thoughts arent all for nought. i dont tell my "friends" nearly any of what i do the diaries. but i want to. i just know its almost pointless. i cant explain myself or expect them to empathize or advise. especially when everyones got their own craziness going on. but at the same time, not being able to tell any one person the stuff in my head is hard. it makes me feel invisible. my thoughts unimportant and unheard. knowing that someone is reading helps a lot. isnt that sick? another sick form of self-validation for jordan. much like sex. attention.
i am so stuck on finding love right now (not actively looking though, unfortunately i dont know how) that i imagine whoever reads this to be my soulmate out there somewhere who just happened to have stumbled across a diary. but, what would my soulmate be doing fucking around on d-land. thats just the logic talking. i ignore that. i see him being across the country somewhere and identifying and picturing who i could be. and through some act of fate (a lot of my daydreams involve serendipity) we find each other. without realizing at first that he knows who i am. it all comes together and we are even closer because i dont have to hide or explain a lot of myself because he learned it in the most honest way possible. then, happily ever after.
its kind of pathetic being such a hopeless romantic, no? but i am. i didnt realize it before. i thought i had a cold, dead heart. every night though, i needed to think of hector and the countless ways we would find each other again in our lives and pick up where we left off 5 years ago, just to fall asleep. every night. nights after dumb drugs. nights after one night stands. every night. but it keeps me hopeful for life. i like to think that somehow hes found these. i like to. and it makes me want to cry to know thats not the truth and i feel dumb even thinking hed be curious as to where i am.
god! why am i in this mood? what mood is it even?! im so sad and lonely. i cover it up by being around friends as much as possible, but any time im by myself truth starts anally raping me. and it HURTS.