7:55 a.m. - April 23, 2007
pathetically desperate
im crazy. i drive myself there every day. its terrible and i hate it. i hate a lot of things. i mostly, though, hate my feelings.
owens making me crazy. ill text him and get no response for an hour-if at all. yesterday, he called billy for me and john to get a dime, asked me to buy him nattys, then we left. i didnt hear anything from him the rest of the day. and that was at like...2 something. i texted him once or twice. and nothing. but waiting. its the most horrible thing. waiting for nothing. it tears me apart inside. and i dont want it to.
i have real problems when it comes to relationships. its all or nothing for me. and i need some sort of constant contact. its HORRIBLE! because he obviously doesnt. and then i think: he said he likes me more, so how can he not try to contact me as much as i try to contact him? is he lying?? did we have sex for nothing? ive deleted everything about him (number, texts, calls) from my phone twice now. because i cant stand having it in there. it makes me want to text and call and long to see "ow" pop up on the screen. so, its easier for it to just not be there. i dont want to call him. i want him to call me.
what do i even want with him? a relationship? probably not. just to know that he wants me-of course. and, because hes making this so difficult, it just makes me want him to want me more. and i dont want that.
i hurt. my heart hurts. i want to love someone-real bad. and then theres a whole miguel thing thats gnawing at me. but, ill save that for sublime.
call me owen. not that im him, but i want him to call me.
