12:19 p.m. - Tuesday, May. 08, 2007
going nowhere fast
nothing is the beginning or ending of life. and thats how i feel about my current conquest. hes not the beginning or end of my life. just someone making a cameo.
that probably sounds harsh..at least to me it does. but its how i feel right now. hes being pretty slow on the uptake. we are kind of at a standstill-we arent together, but we are always together. his words havent gotten deeper. he hasnt fallen deeply for me yet. i am not sure how to make it happen. but with nothing really going on-new developments and feelings-i get bored. thats bad. but, hes not one who could keep my attention otherwise. i mean-hes great! we have a good time. i like to touch him still. but, theres something lacking. maybe its feelings. feelings from his part. like..i need more.
whats the point of being with someone who isnt head over heels for you? i mean, maybe its the smart thing to hold back and all-and he is a smart guy-but its annoying. i dont like waiting. i hate it. i think at this point-we'll just keep being fuckbuddies until i find someone who digs me more and i feel benefits me better (subway is good though) or if he wants to make an honest woman out of me i have to believe he means it and make sure he wants it. and even then, we'll see.
im just being careful. i am also keeping my best and his best interests at heart. i dont want to get involved in something-truly involved-that isnt going to work out. something i know isnt going to last. hurt him. i dont want to do that. and i dont want to hurt myself by investing in someone who doesnt care. miguel cared a lot. i realize that more daily. i dont know if i will be able to find that again. not soon at least. its sad. but i keep testing owen to see if he could be that good. i dont think so. or, at least i havent won him over like that yet..
so, right now we are going nowhere. hanging out like we are together. all of his friends refer to me as his girlfriend with no naysaying on our part...avoidance moreso...he sleeps over sometimes. we cuddle and hug and kiss. but, no progress. i guess each day is progress-as were getting to know each other better. but, if i want him to go bananas for me, apparently i have to step it up.
i will. for the shits and the giggles. and to feel desired. i like that.
im still lonely tho. its wierd. oh, well. i shall take each day as it comes. and as long as theres nothing better around, im content to be owens "friend".
