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4:11 p.m. - Sunday, May. 13, 2007
just an update-on my retardation, that is
he called this morning. and while i was on lunch. and just now.

i answered the last one.

o: why didnt you answer the phone before?
m: im working.
o: still? i thought you got off at 4.
m: no. 430.
o: oh, well whatre you doing after work?
m: im going to eat with the fam and then i need to sleep because im exhausted. i stayed up until 3 last night waiting for you.
o: oh, well. i didnt want to wake you up and i didnt leave sams until 245.
m: okay-well, i waited up because you told me you were going to come and i didnt want to be asleep like last time. but, now im really tired and i really need to catch up on sleep.
o: oh, all right. i didnt mean to disappoint you. well, stop by subway if you want me to feed you or if you want to see me.
m: alright. ttyl.

i hate myself. i do. i hate my reactions to stuff. i hate my unintended reactions to stuff. i love him. i dont. but, i do still like him. but i am going to have to try to have a real talk with him. i feel like he fronts a lot. like, he has this character he puts on for stupid people because he believes hes so much smarter than everyone. but, im on his level and i wont be patronized. if a relationship is going to work, we have to be able to honestly communicate-find a, i have to do that. or else i am just going to keep fucking my own head up. letting him hurt me-which is wrong. i dont get hurt. but i want to cry right now for some reason.

some reason.

i just want him to understand me. god this is dumb. i spent like two hours today browsing diaries and skipping over ones about girls and their boys and vice versa.

i am a pea calling the pod green over here.


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