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8:09 a.m. - Wednesday, May. 23, 2007
like, ohmigod!
i believe i am a fucked up person. in so many ways i cant even begin to explain. but, in my heart-thats how i feel. meh.

owens a no-pork-or-beef-eater. and last night at a crawfish boil, he found out there was some pork sausage in the stew and the person who made the stew whom hes known for 2 years made no apologies for it and didnt tell him before he ate it. this upset him a lot. so much so-he felt so deceived and betrayed-that he cried. that sucks. i feel so bad. but, for some reason i didnt show that last night. he told me he cried-my boyfriend and i didnt even so much as rub his back. maybe i was too drunk to be able to take in the brevity of the situation or to be able to empathize. i mean i was definitely too drunk. i think i may have said something like: so what? or its ok. something not apologetic or sympathetic. i feel really guilty. like the bastard of a person i am.

* * *

"i think im falling in love with you."

not my words his. damn him. no! thats not what i wanted. thats not how its supposed to be. i was just writing about this in my real journal (no offense) the day before yesterday. its funny because i was upset because he didnt love me. he told me that he usually wont say ilu until at least 4 months. and i wrote that thats too long and that no boyfriends have ever taken longer than 6 weeks. it frustrated me. made me feel like theres something i wasnt doing to make him love me. but then, its a good thing. gives us time to get to know each other before getting all serious like that. so, i decided itd be great-amazing, even-if we didnt say that (or feel it) until 4 months. thats almost my longest relationship. i like to try different things to see if i can come to different results-like not getting sick of the guy and breaking up.

then, last night he said that. i was so disappointed. and maybe it showed. i told him he couldnt and i questioned his whole 4 month policy thing. now thinking about it, it sounds kinda dick. like, him expressing his feelings and me shooting them down. but its not like that. i just was surprised. he surprises me a lot. i dont get what he wants sometimes. i dont get him sometimes. and he surprises me. itd be stupendous if he could love me. and im falling in love with him. i just was hoping it could be different this time around. maybe itd last longer.

i think we are both in this for the long haul. i feel it. i want to be with him for a long time. i want to say i love you to him. and im so fucking tempted so often. but itd sound crazy. if i told anyone this theyd think i was crazy. maybe i am, but its a secret then. they already think im crazy for moving in with him. but, i dont need anyone questioning me-i do that to myself excessively enough. i just want someone to be like: thats great.

blah. i could sit here and write about him all day. seriously, i could keep going. i think i will.

i could spend all day just laying in bed with him. letting him touch me. i could look at him forever. i thought he wouldnt love me the way miguel did-and truly care about me. but i think he might. i can do that.

the other night i took a whippit in the bathroom while he was asleep. i then proceeded to crash in to my dresser and bed leaving two nasty cuts-one on my forearm the other on my hip. i desperately needed band-aid aid and he (being the son of a nurse as he is) inisted on doing it. he was so gentle and patient with me. i am the biggest baby of all big babies that i have ever known and not known. and he still likes me. i almost cried, i wouldnt stay still, i whined and squealed. but still. he likes me.

i also feel like hes proud of me. thats really sweet. yesterday he introduced me to trinitys moms boyfriend and the guy was like, "are you guys together?" and he put his arm around me and got this big, goofy smile on and was like, "yep. this is my girlfriend." it was sweet, if hard to describe.


i am excited to move in with him. so excited. and he is too. which only intensifies the excitement i have. ahhh...we are going to live together. i will wait in our bed for him to come home. i just know our first night we're gonna fuck like never before. in our home.

blah. blah. blah. why do boys have this power?? its nuts. but, i decided it a couple days ago when i wrote in my paper journal, i am falling in love with him. plain and simple. but, i am not nearly as close to saying that out loud.

i have to click done before i keep rambling.


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