8:11 a.m. - Thursday, May. 31, 2007
moving day. mday. oh, happy day.
sometimes, he seems distant from me. sometimes, i feel like he forgets i matter or have feelings, or exist even. ive walked with the belief that he doesnt think to think that his actions have an impact on me. it hurts. i hate being hurt. being sad. being vulnerable. having that vulnerability being taken advantage of so often and easily and without thought.
so, i talked with him night before last. tried to explain why its not okay to show up at 4am when im dead asleep and tell me he doesnt have a place to sleep, when he does-he just didnt go home early enough for the doors to not be locked. its hard to explain. it just felt like there was no regard for me.
and with that, i was afraid of living with him. id all but decided that it wasnt a smart move. how could it be? living with someone who works nights when i work days. who doesnt care that im tired. who likes to drink whenever hes not working. whod want his friends to come over whenever hes not working. itd be too daunting a task. id want to play with him but id still have to be up at 6am and to my moms house by 640. and then to work and be alive. almost impossible. ive been trying to do it already the whole time ive known him. im tired. id like a new home to be an escape not an additional burden.
so, i told him all this. and he agreed. well, at first he went all asshole on me and was like: okay, if thats youre choice-you dont want to live with me...
im like: oh, no you didnt! how can you say that? that easily? fuck you.
then he changed his tune. and now says he promises to try and be better. for me. for us. for, finally, a happy time in his life. he wants to sleep more and drink less. and spend more time with us. we'll see what happens. we'll see if he means it and if we can stick with it.
i want a home. my own home. i dont even want to live with him. unfortunately, i dont know what it means to live alone. so getting to that point is even harder than moving out and moving in with him. but, this is a step away from living with family. a step towards being an adult. a step i need to take. ive been an "adult" for 3 years now, dammit. i need to "grow up". this will be my home. this will be our home. and hopefully, we dont break up.
dustin gave us 6 weeks.
fuck everyone who has an opinion that i dont like. they arent me. they dont know me. they dont understand the determination i have to....
this entry was just an excuse to type really. i love typing.