1:19 p.m. - Monday, Jul. 16, 2007
i dont need the closure. time provides that. it already has. and stupid little me went and opened a healing wound. now, its going to take a little longer, but i will be okay if i let go today.
i gave him 2 days to call me. my cell got turned off today-so, i have no phone. he didnt call. i waited. and hoped. and waited some more. fuck! i am such a naive idiot. im sick of it. if he wanted to, hedve called. no more.
i have to say goodbye to hector. i cant be 30 and longing for this stranger. wanting and waiting for a prince charming who doesnt exist anymore. not for me at least. its just so hard because ive been so sure that hes it. even in my heart of hearts hes something. i havent met everyone in the world to be able to determine exactly who is it, but hes something-if not it. but ive got to let it go.
i am not 16 anymore. i never will be. all i can do is go back to my first sublime entries and remember and smile. i dont even want his profile because ill be tempted to try and spy on his life. so stupid. i am. i know it. gosh!!!!
i just want to be happy. thats all any of this is. i just want to love someone the way i once loved him. and i just want someone to love me the way miguel does. i want love. how come its got to be so hard?
if i cant find love, i do drugs. im sick of that ultimatum. those are the only 2 things ever on my mind. i hate myself.