8:42 p.m. - Friday, Jul. 27, 2007
rambling cuz i took a bar yesterday
my life is nuts. my head is even moreso. and everything feels very fucked.
i am so scared. i feel like a wet hamster. a wet, stupid hamster who decided its could handle a dip in the bathtub.
well, it couldnt. and now its wet and ugly and shaking and peeing on itself.
im losing my mind.
its strange. at home i sit there and swallow every little thing he slings at me to eat. and i smile. no. i grimace. i am sure he can see through right through my smile. but i keep it up-just in case he cant and hoping itll stall him kicking me out.
and as soon as i get around anyone who isnt owen or his associates i let it all out. days and weeks of repression. my tongue is bleeding. i dont want to have sex with him. i dont want him to touch me. i dont want to joke with him. i dont want anything from him or to do with him. i dont want this anymore.
ive been dreaming of miguel. ive been dreaming of us living happily ever after. not together though-like, not committed together (the occasional romp on a drunken night though). but just together. living. coexisting. loving each other. appreciating each other. being okay. god. i shouldnt be thinking of him. at all. platonic or not.
i miss him. the comfort. nice words. i miss someone being nice to me. and even if hes being mean to me, i kno miguel loves me. its doing bad stuff to me. even though owen isnt abusive in any way...hes abrasive. hes offensive. hes mean. hes manipulative and self-serving. everything is for and about him. everything is a competition between him and anyone. theres always an itoldyouso when hes right. and on the more-than-frequent-occasion im right he just says oh, well...i didnt know.
i hate owen. he makes me a worse person daily. and i feel worse and worse about myself. i get looks and vibes from his friends. he ignores me around his friends but begs to hang out with mine. this is so over when im out. when i have money. one day. ha.
im so miserable and it comes out in every word i say to anyone. his sister will be coming to stay in like...less than two weeks. sigh. i dont kno what to do.
im kinda waiting for hector to swoop down thru the sky and take me away to his hideaway in michigan.
