5:36 a.m. - Monday, Aug. 13, 2007
meh and bleh
...later that night was when i had my "experience"-but thats already recorded in drugzilla-and they wanted me to sleep over but i refused.
scott hadnt been home earlier, but at 5am when i headed home i tried his door and it was unlocked. i crawled into bed with him-with still the taste of strangers in my mouth. the hour we slept in his bed was probably the best of the day.
i dont know how much i like him..i really dont. i definitely do like him, but what kind? like...do i want him to be my boyfriend? i dont think so. do i want him to see other girls? definitely not. do i feel bad about doing stuff with nina, louis, and duane? not really. but i miss scott. i think its cuz i got used to him very quickly and not having time to see him makes me like him more. eh, whatever.
so...i think i said i was over hector? wrong. so wrong. stupid me. as always though. i can always count on that. i just have a love for him so deep that doesnt go away. a love and a want. god. i love him. i feel so real about it. like he is the one for me. and thats why i cant shake it. i cant. ive tried. ive distracted myself. ive looked at the real side of things. but i cant get hector out of my heart and its pissing me off. i want to be alone completely.
i want to be alone. not need anyone. not want anyone. getting over hector is a huge part of that. and not doing every guy that comes along. thats part too.
im so fucked up i dont know what to do. but i know i want hector and i want him now.
