12:45 p.m. Updated: 4:22 a.m. - Saturday, Aug. 18, 2007
since i moved back to my moms...i have such a strong desire to escape. and since i cant do it how i want-moving away..far, far away-i do it how i can-boys, men, sex, physical, inebriations.
its been maybe 3 weeks? something like that...since then theres been scott, louis, nina, a hook-up with duane(?), and-as of this morning-danny. i dont know why!!! i use people. for their affections. its wrong. im so wrong.
ive noticed that about most guys ive said that i love how they touch me. i love their touch on my skin. i thought it was that specific person. i just realized that it doesnt matter who. i dont have to like them. i like them touching me.
i dont have any feelings for danny besides purely and truly enjoying his company. you kno? no true physical attraction or anything. no desire for a relationship of any kind besides friends. but, when i was laying in bed with him i couldnt wait for him to touch me. to feel him against my leg. my arm. my stomach. but it was DANNY i was craving, ive decided. at first i wondered: do i want him? do i like my friend? but then i understood: no. not at all. if anything the combination of testosterone and knowing he wants me makes me want him. but not him. his contact. his arms. his warmth. the end.
and even if i werent to want the instant physical gratification, i cant say no. thats how ive gotten myself into some sticky situations lately. and i hate me for it. HATE. i feel so dirty, weak, bad. i cant say no. sex almost happened. and i wouldnt have said no. i dont know how. to say no. i dont want to have to. idk. with duane...we couldve had sex. right there. on johns floor. next to him in his bed, probably him still awake. it got too close. i did say no. but was so tempted not to. i think because im so afraid of what people will think. i want them to still think im "cool". and it doesnt really matter to me. but, theres no real feeling for me in anything. im dead inside, really.
thats part of why i dont ever want to do anything with danny. if i did...id just be using him. for that moment of good feelings. the end. nothing more. it doesnt change anything for me. were still friends. just with that behind us. but for him..who knows? but i dont care. i shouldnt have been so weak as to let it get so far. though i saw it coming. i have for almost a year now. i did nothing to stop the wreck. and id be to blame for any casualties.
thats every relationship i end up in. im too afraid to say no, thus...i get into something i dont really want. and eventually-after weeks and months-ill say, hey. i dont want this. but no sooner. im terrible and feel terrible because of it. i dont know what to do. i dont know how to be alive, it seems. like, how to work life or whatever. i feel so stuck. and i just found out that biz and owen hooked up. that disgusts me. this bitter, vicious cycle. doesnt end. i feel so gross for him and for me and for her. which is pretty hypocritical considering the fact that i hooked up with her ex first. heh. im sick. so sick. cant stop it or change it. which is the wrong attitude. i kno that. i kno it. i fucking kno everything. i just dont do shit about it. its all my fault. everything. every fucking thing. also today i ran into someone who hates danny because danny hit on his girlfriend while they were together. apparently danny hits on anything that walks and writes them love letters too. like he did me. so, i feel pretty fucking regulation. nothing special as one can feel when someone wants them. even though i dont want him i want him to want me. and to kno that he wants everything makes me feel gross. as gross as picturing biz and owen. and thats my fault. totally my fault. i have issues that i dont know how to address. and i dont know what they are. i feel pretty helpless and hopeless. i am sick of the self-pity. but to get rid of it i do stupid shit that distracts me. then i feel worse. i got a job finally. hopefully that will help...or at least lead me to a guy that doesnt know any of my fucking friends. no, i kno thats not the right way to think. but its how my mind works. i need to get all men, boys, guys, and girls out of my head and my life. miguel, owen, danny, scott, hector, nina, duane...you name it. but then what do i have left?? just me. and then what do i do? i dont know how. i dont fucking kno anything. its pretty annoying. and exhausting being this dumb.