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3:58 p.m. - Thursday, Aug. 23, 2007
so much fucked up shit. so much. so much. and i do it all to myself. isnt that crazy? one would think: why would someone inflict so much on themselves??

one who thought would think that at least...

so, the night of that last entry i lost so much. i think it was almost like a monumental moment in my life. its changed my outlook, my mood, my perspectives, me. and i hate it.

in the middle of the night, john fingered me. he says i guided him there. i really dont think id do that. god! why the hell would i do that. i dont think i did. he was pretty much dead asleep. it started like the normal cuddling. then turned into petting. then...the fingers. in one weekend i was creeped up on by two guys. my friends. he stopped eventually-im not sure by whos accord, i think mine. and i didnt touch him-like i didnt touch danny. but, i did let him keep going-as i did danny. im so terrible!

i am so fucking contradictory and hypocritical!!! i cant stand it. i am feeling really bad about myself for shit that ive done and keep doing! and that i dont stop, though its in my power to do so. like...i complain that my friends make moves-i dont stop them. i let them. and i dont know why. i do. i do know why. fear of the rejection. not romantic rejection. human. jordan rejection. i dont want any rejections. and, to say no is to face the possibility of rejection. its a big step for me to say no. im too afraid of losing something. what? idk. not like the people who instill this fear are even fucking worth it. its anyone. i fear everyone. i am a big, fat, fucking coward. i dont know how this life is going to go for me.

so, in the morning. i was so upset. after telling john that he was my only holy friend, that happened. my trust betrayed. my identity in relation to him completely insecure. why would he do that?! why doesnt he value me more? what does he think i am? what do they all fucking think?! are there ANY good guys? we acted as though nothing happened. but as soon as i got home i became almost hysterical. so scared for my life. whats it going to be. who will love me? truly love me? when? where? how? why cant any of my friends show enough restraint and respect me enough to back the fuck off? i sobbed in the shower before my first day of work. went with red eyes...

that night i called john to tell him how angry i was. he apologized. he didnt realize what was going on and didnt intend for that to happen. nor did he really want it to. god. he eased a lot of my concerns and issues that night. doesnt change the fact that it happened. he was inside me. not his penis. but, so much more. he changed me. he was the final straw for me. i mean, guys have been pissing me off for years. its nothing new. can only take so much being beaten before either completely just becoming submissive or losing their minds. he changed me deep, deep inside. hating people. men. boys. and now i have this feeling that i will never be happy. that there will never be a guy that i can be completely myself around and that he will love me and not just want to tap this. its such a painful feeling. and scary. so scary.

victor came back. gosh. guys.

we got a hotel last night with plans to roll. ended up drinking (well, i drank...a whole bottle of champagne) and fucking a lot. and, you know what? i dont feel anything. i feel nothing. i dont care. i used him. he used me. thats all i am. thats all that happens. just a big fucking cycle of boys using girls and girls using boys. i wont get all bent out of shape about him. hes going back to california next week. and i may see him again in months or never. but it doesnt matter. i blocked him from my heart last summer.

times up at the gaybrary...


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