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12:31 p.m. - Thursday, Oct. 25, 2007
im so over being over it.
im a big liar. this is a disclaimer for my entire future:

i will never be over hector. and if i say i am-though i may believe it at the time-i am lying.

i hate it. i cant believe myself. im in denial constantly when i try to tell myself that my heart just doesnt care anymore. it does. it does every day! when will it stop? im not going to try to fool myself anymore. i just want it to stop, though.

sigh. if only we could be 16 forever. of course. and just have that time forever. then, i wouldnt be so sad. no, i probably would. i cant manage to stay happy.

how can i be so in love with him for all this time and still find others to love (or tell myself i love)? im in love right now-with someone else-and i still find myself thinking about hector. hector and the other. we will call him owen (even though owen is long and far gone to me). how is it possible.

owen. maybe thats more of a lust thing going on. im not sure. if hed give me a chance we could find out. but, i truly am in love with him. for reasons among reasons. and it doesnt stop. he makes me blush, swoon, sigh, daydream. you name it. a day wouldnt have a sun if i didnt see owen. and night wouldnt let me sleep if i couldnt dream of hector.

sooo strange, isnt it? my heart is really big. and extra lonely? idk. im just so full of love!

but (not sure if ive mentioned it), i am a born-again virgin. its been over a month since the last time. that was a fluke even. i wasnt into it-i just did it to help me come down from coke and because the coke provider wanted it. but, sex is of little interest to me anymore. and that is fine.

just rambling. but, seriously, dont take me seriously, self, if i ever mention being over hector again. because i never will be and i am finally over denying that dumb, dumb fact.


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