6:56 p.m. - Saturday, Dec. 01, 2007
after that last entry, hector responded. two words:
it broke my already broked heart. but, at the same time it let me see exactly what i wanted. he either could have fought me desperately to not take such a drastic step-me telling him i dont give a fuck anymore-or he could have done what he did. proving that i was right to in my belief that he just didnt care either.
those two words had me feeling so empowered the next couple days. i felt free. a huge weight lifted. we had another chance, kind of, and could have embraced it and fallen back into our true love or puppy love of whatever. but, that didnt happen. but, the chance was there and i wouldnt have to trudge through relationships and life wondering.
then, two days later, he sent me an email asking if i was sure. if thats how i really felt then fine but it wasnt necesary to be so dramatic in regards to us having a friendship. his last words in that were:
im not going anywhere.
which..goddammit...is what i wanted. what i really, trully, in my heart, wanted. i didnt want him to be ok with us kinda breaking up again. and he wasnt. his initial response was hurt. and it makes me smile a month later to recall that. i can still hurt him. no hope is loss-more is planted.
which, sucks of course...but, it tastes so sweet.
im getting rid of myspace this weekend. that will definitely impact us, but maybe for the better. we can have some real contact. not just clicking on each others' faces and typing out the normal small talk in that environment. im scared. but, he has my number. he has my email address. myspace is not our only thread.
wilson. he was owen the last time i mentioned him. but i dont think it matters. i fall in love with him more by the day. and its fun. he has so much power and control over my emotions at work. its crazy. hes the only thing that can make me happy, angry, or sad. im very tempted to try something with him. like, just kiss him right on the lips in the middle of a sentence. or go up to his ear when hes on the phone and whisper:
youre really sexy.
something. but, im not willing to cross that border yet. from, people who work and flirt together to, people with something going on between them (even if it isnt mutually). a line will be crossed and untakebackable once i were to do something like that. so, i cant. i must wait for him to feel the need to cross such a line. and i will follow his lead.
im pretty confident that i will at least be kissed by him. i know it. i feel it. hes mine. i will have him. its just a matter of time. and hes not an easy one, thats for sure. but, if i keep looking at him as more of a number than someone i really like, im more likely to get my hands on him and care less. when i care less, i fuck up less. its a proven fact. or something.
oh, you boys.