7:17 p.m. - Sunday, Dec. 16, 2007
super de'ja vu. i am absolutely sure ive begun an entry with those 3 words before. ill look it up after this.
i love love. i love being in it. i love wanting to be in it. i love when someone else has it for me. i love the sublime feeling it allows to encompass my mind and soul. i love it.
and, right now, i miss it. its strange. i am finally able to correlate the opposite sex with my depression. it comes in waves, the depression. and i feel the pull of the beginning of a big wave right now. if i havent already been drowned in it. i cant tell sometimes who or what i am.
when i dont have someone to be in love with, lusting after, or crushing on, i feel empty. i feel lonely. i feel purposeless. i feel hopeless. and the longer i dont have someone to look after, the more desolate my life seems to become.
im sick of fighting with wilson. my anger during work at him makes me forget how in love with him i am sometimes. ive stopped caring or trying with him for right now because he frustrates me so much when it comes to my job. hes more a nuisance than anything else lately. so, he doesnt help me get to sleep anymore.
since theres no more myspace, there is no more hector for me. thats the way the cookie crumbled. i wished him happy birthday via text (mature, i know.) and he said thanks. thats all weve had since i got rid of it. i dont have even a hope for him right now. maybe its for the best. no i kno it is. it really is. i cant use him as my bedtime story anymore.
this is all so sad for me. but, maybe itll turn to be good. its what i need. i need to start a new life. free of the ghosts. its just scary.
im so alone. and i feel like itll be like this forever unless i settle. ive settled and each time, its ended horribly because ive hurt someone in my escape for fresh air.
since ive slowed almost to a stop with coke i have gained so much weight. so much. im disgusting. i fight myself. i went through a week or two of gorging on lunch at work then getting rid of it right after. but, how long can one do that, really? it wasnt me. i wasnt meant to be bulimic. too lazy, probably. i still do it every now or then if i feel too full. but thats it. but, im still fat is the point. i dont think anyone will ever find me attractive again ever. and it scares me! it makes me terribly jealous of others. ive rarely ever been jealous before in life. and never out loud. but now, im just...
im getting so depressed. and i need something good to happen to me. but i know i need to make that happen. i know that. and im going to.
ive made tentative plans (what does tentative mean? ive always heard it used before the word plans...its probably wrong, but its staying dammit!) to go live with a friend in texas. i mentioned it to him and now i wait to gauge his response. i know he'd want me there. but, i would like to go purely on the premise of friendship. i need a place to escape to and start over and he can help me. maybe. we'll. see..