8:06 p.m. - Friday, Mar. 28, 2008
love is a sham. its as made up as the loch ness monster or god. i think it was made, actually, with the simple premise of making my short time on this earth miserable and ever-disappointing.
i believed in it. for so long. i realized tonight that i let the idea of "true love" go a long time ago. not on purpose or with even noticing, but i did.
i mean, everyday when i see a cute guy, i think: i will make him love me-i will love him and we will be happy forever.
i cant stop that. but, i dont ever really think it will happen.
i thought love was real. and i thought i had it in hector. even after he left. even after we had a falling out. even after not hearing his voice for years. even after he neglected me via myspace. i did. i really did think i had it-that it existed. i knew that if anyone was, he was the one for me. if only we could be together again. or at least close enough in this world to get together again.
tonight, after over a couple months of not thinking even a fleeting thought of him or perusing his profile for potential girlfriend comments, i found out hes in florida. i didnt do enough research to figure out how long hes been here. i couldnt. it hurt enough to know he was here and never told me.
i sent him this:
hes responded, but i cant bring myself to read it. i dont care. or i care too much. im not sure. but either way-nothing hed possibly say could make me feel better. i thought him being in florida-within only a couple hundred miles of me! instead of a couple thousand-would....ah, it would mean so much. i cant even describe. i thought itd be easy if he were closer to me. but...this hurts more than ive been hurt because of him ever i think. and its been a long ever. 6 years ever.
my faith-the only faith i had left in anything besides myself-in love has run out. and i dont care because i realized just now ive been living without it for a long time.
i can dream and fantasize about having the perfect relationship with the perfect partner for me til the cows come home. thats natural to want. but, i dont believe anymore that its possible. and that sucks. but, theres nothing i can do about it.
i dont know how i feel...pissed, betrayed, scared, sad.
yes, i do. all of the above.