7:08 a.m. - Saturday, Apr. 12, 2008
why is everything always too late??
why cant i ride the wave of something great as its passing me?
instead i watch it go and then try to swim to catch up. or its gone and i can only remember.
what am i talking about?!
so, im not sure i mentioned this, but regardless, hectors back in florida. the news blew me away and devastated me but i accepted it. i mean, 200 or 2,000 miles both seem the same to me. hes still not here.
he called me yesterday. its the first time ive heard his voice since we were 16. it was a post-puberty version of him, but it was hector no doubt.
ive played out countless first conversations in my head over the years. none went like last nights (of course, right?).
my heart didnt stop. and then it didnt race. my palms were body temperature and not moist or clammy. i didnt stutter. i didnt worry about saying any scripted lines id had saved. it was pretty normal.
and when we got off the phone 8 minutes, 26 seconds later, i realized all of that. and what it means. i may be done. like, really, truly done.
the love i had for a boy is gone. ive created this metaphor:
america's children: raised by television violence, their parents news watching habits, dumb video games, and some domestic violence. what does this cause? desensitization to violence. it means nothing. to see a man shot before them would probably have little impact. itd have a sense of inevibility attached to it.
after years of dealing with heartbreaks caused by this man (i guess hes a man now. am i a woman??) i just dont feel it anymore. but i feel nothing. ive been desensitized to hector. i used to be uber-sensitive. you know? like when i found out he had a myspace i cried and cried. and even more when i found out he hadnt been on it for almost a year. i think if i hadnt found him i wouldnt still be looking.
after years of saying, "i just dont care anymore!" i really dont.
shit. im soo glad he took any intiative to call me. id been asking him to since september. but then he didnt. my heart broke a little more. and now i dont care.
id be crazy, right? to still have my candle lit for him. to be holding something greater than what truth has provided for him. i wouldnt be able to live with myself. its too pathetic. and im already that enough.
i got off the phone with him to go to sleep on a friday night at 7:48. in my defense, i am at work right now: 6:02am. i needed my sleep to get here. and i dont think i wanted to talk to him anymore. i didnt have much to say. or time to think what i should or could. i mean, a moment ive dreamt of for a good 5 years happened last night. how do i handle that? nonchalantly, is the answer. and exit with a bedtime excuse. it wasnt an excuse. i dont know what it was. i just didnt really know what to say!
my 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, and 21 year old selves would kill me right now if they could. or try to possess my body and voice and care a lot. poor them. i wish hed called one of them.
the love i had for a boy is gone. but, thats most definitely not to say that i couldnt love the man hes become.