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2:38 p.m. - Saturday, Apr. 19, 2008
i think miguel still cares.

well, of course he still cares. but i think he still has feelings for me. and thinks something might happen.

i think he thinks that if he has a job, is going to school, has a car, and his own apartment then im going to want to be with him. and we will live happily ever after.

its just not so.

i am so so so proud of him for accomplishing this much though. and in such a short time. he only started going to school in december. and he didnt have a job or a car and he lived with his mom. hes done more in 4 months than ive done in almost 4 years. but it doesnt make me want him. and it doesnt make me think we could be better together.

i love him. and i miss him. but im not sure itll ever be like that again. and if it were, itd take a lot of time of us just becoming friends again. i mean, we were friends for like 2 years before even realizing that we were of the opposite sex let alone that we had some feelings for each other.

since we broke up ive feared that hed get over me and move on. i even, for a couple months, enjoyed prancing around him knowing that he wasnt over me. but, more recently, ive expected that hell have a new flame and forget i exist. maybe he has.

before yesterday, i hadnt talked to him or seen him since like february. he doesnt call me ever. or talk to me on aim. neither of us make any contact with each other. but, on those rare occasions when we do see each other, i can see the way he looks at me. the way he tells stories for my benefit. if he sees im not paying attention he stops telling it.

last night, we went to the drive in with leah. i was watching the movie when he started telling a story. but i didnt wanna miss any plot so i tuned him out. peripherally i saw him looking at me while he was talking then he said, "forget it. shes not listening." he was probably half way through whatever he was talking about and poor leah never got to hear the end.

i know he has deep feelings for me. i had them for him. and when we broke up it was just me who wanted to. i dont even remember why. i guess i just didnt want a boyfriend anymore. i wonder when its going to stop. him wanting to impress me. every time i see him hee tries. he does. i am impressed. just not in the way he wants me to be.

it could never work. hes still completely in with all those people. i think he lived with glen-the epicenter of the drug action-until sometime this month. theyre his friends. kris, alex, karlos, ricky, glen. im not a part of it anymore and i dont think i can handle it again. not to mention, he and i arent really even friends anymore.

it was nice seeing him. and maybe, now that hes got a car, we'll hang out more often. or ever. but i think ive turned asexual.

i dont think i have a libido. im not looking for a guy to fill my void or vagina right now. i dont want one. what does it mean for my future? i love love. but it doesnt even seem real to me anymore. and i dont understand those who are in it. how can they be? how are they sure? how can they stand to be around someone so much? how can they stand the dependency that comes along with a relationship? im doomed i feel. i will roam the earth looking for happiness and never finding it. sex will come and go. but thats it.

maybe i should give migs a chance. hes the only person to love me that much. when we worked at convergys together he left work and walked down to cvs and got me an ankle brace and icy/hot or something for my ankle after i sprained it or twisted it or did something that made it swell. since my mom and i had to work for thanksgiving one year he came over after and brought me food from his house. it was delish. he did anything i wanted because i think he actually wanted to. i doubt ill have that again.

but, history repeats itself. we tried going back out again once it was over-but, it wasnt the same. and it didnt work out.

i hope we can be friends, though. and i hope when i see him with a girlfriend i can handle it as well as he handled owen and i. i hope one day i can just be happy.


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