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1:16 p.m. - Sunday, Jun. 15, 2008
he doesnt see anything wrong with this. i definitely do. i envy his naivete. or his lack of emotion involved.

(im kinda high. i just wrote this huge paragraph about john, music, and me and deleted it. it sucked.)

so i came over to his house for the first time in at least 4 months friday afternoon. and i slept over last night-which explains why im here now. i have been refriends with him for at least a month now and ive put off coming to his house for a reason. and last night...i messed up.

well, at my house friday night we romped and rolled and made out all over my bed and room. that was a drunken-all-in-good-fun thing. and then he went home and i went sleep.

but last night we got drinks around here and he was supposed to drive me home when aaron dropped us off. but we came upstairs. started talking. looked at pictures of london. played some music. and got into bed.

i dont want this to happen again. i dont like the idea of it for SO many reasons. i dont like the idea of being a drunk couple. where were affectionate in public, make-out freaks, and frisky when were drunk and completely normal when were sober. i think thats stupid. i think it looks wierd. and i think its wrong. i understand we may both be terribly lonely. for the companionship and for the physical. i realize that hes the closest thing ive had to a boyfriend in a year. and hes been that for a year. but before the kissing and touching happened i think it was better. was nice. we belonged to each other. but its not really real. its a diversion. and neither of us actually want it to be real with each other but i dont like even pretending sometimes. im in a place where im dying for a relationship. i am dying to be loved and in love. but its going to take a while because i think im going to need to feel as safe and comfortable as john makes me feel. and it took a while for that to happen. and john isnt that person. hes just my friend. an amazing friend but i cant wait to have someone else. and i dont want to play with anyone before. i want the next time i have sex to be with a guy i really like and will be with for a long time-not with john on his birthday(in 4 days)when were wasted. so this has to stop. but he doesnt think there is anything wrong with playing.

i cant explain all of this to him. i find this all very uncomfortable. how can i tell him that part of my reason for not doing this is alex? i dont want to get as close to him as we were before because shes never out of his life for long. and when she does decide to show up for a week or two he flings me to the side. he doesnt even talk to me. im his second to her. which, its understandable. theyre first loves. i think itd be sweet that they always have each other if i wasnt involved. maybe watching their lives on tv or something. but, i dont want or need to ever think of or see her in my life. i dont want to think about her. so, i dont want to play her understudy with john. because hell forever hold a candle for her and never put it down. i feel it in almost every breath he takes. since he wont talk about it with anyone-i feel its always there right under the surface. OR it could be me underestimating him and the situation and im completely wrong. but theres another reason she makes feel uncomfortable in this situation. if i recall correctly, i heard months ago that she was hanging out with him again. and who knows what they did. but, i can guess. and even since then-who knows. and shes been with glen whos been with beondra whos definitely going to die of an STD overdose one day. and maybe johns even been with b. its a possiblility with anyone whos ever given her a ride or made eye contact. so, im not throwing myself into that cesspool of death. it makes me feel gross thinking that lineage.

i think thats most of my reasons for wanting this thing with john to stop. it reminds me of the bnl song:

We were looking for ourselves
And found each other
In the car
It was rare to do much more
Than simply mess around
In the car
It was mostly mutual masturbation
And though we spoke of penetration
Id have to wait for someone else to try it out

In the car
We were looking for ourselves
But found each other
In the car
We groped for excuses
Not to be alone anymore
In the car
We were waiting for our lives
To start their endings
In the car
We were never making love

that sums up whats going on here. and its dumb, i think. plus, i get jealous sometimes. which is really dumb because i dont have that right and hes not replacing me and its just john.

his side is that he didnt really think about it and weve never actually consummated this thing (come pretty damn close, ill tell you what). but, does he truly think it isnt coming just around the riverbend? seriously? i dont see why hed lie. its just so preposterous to me. what am i going to do. i should avoid his birthday for sure. but i cant do that. i love birthdays. i suppose time will tell here...

im glad im the only one who can read these now.


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