1:04 p.m. - Saturday, Sept. 27, 2008
i had a 10 hour hiatus last night/this morning from my fortress of solitude. but that only makes being alone again right now even harder.
marcus. markus? im not sure how austria likes to spell it. but, he made me feel alive for the short time we were together last night and this morning. it was a one-night stand like no other. its been a while-i think i really needed it. tomorrow he goes back to his native land and today i know him no more. i left his hotel room in a hurry and never took the time to try to exchange any information. its probably for the best that way-except for the whatifs.
we lay in each others' arms this morning. he played with my bangs and looked deep into my eyes. i circled his perfect nipples with my finger and found his ticklish spots. it was perfect...besides the fact that we were perfect strangers and that i didnt know his name for our first couple of hours together. it was perfect besides the fact that it wasnt really real and that i desperately wanted it to be. i want what we had: good sex, good conversation, attentiveness. i want it for real-i want a relationship that lasts a little bit longer than 10 hours. id even like it with him. waking up wasnt awkward as lots of one-night stands can be and have been. it was like wed known each other for ages and did it all the time. it was comfortable, warm. i want it. i need it. i miss it. i want to touch someone. to pet them. to hug and kiss them.
i forgot i had sex with migs and john within a week of each other only a month or two ago. those didnt matter and didnt make me want anything. because im not attracted to them. but, marcus. sigh. once i left the hotel a tsunami of grief drowned my heart: ill never see him again-we will never even be in the same country again; i will never be happy. not that i equate a stranger with happiness, but i did feel a weight off of my shoulders when i was with him.
i thought i wasnt ready for a relationship-i did...but i think i just really havent found a person im comfortable enough with to try. guys i want dont like me much lately so i dont have anyone even to contemplate.
im rambling. i just miss him-marcus-already. i miss caring about someone and feeling cared about. and for one night and part of one morning i felt whole again.