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10:58 a.m. - Friday, Dec. 05, 2008
hes broken my heart soo many times.

fucked me over for the past five years.

so, why now am i just realizing hes the closest thing-if not it-to a soulmate ill ever find?

but he is! he just is. i cant help it. i just know it. i know it more than ive ever known anything. when we talked hector held noooooooo fucking candles.

he doesnt have to love me. i dont necessarily love him like i want my great love to be anyway. but, inside my soul hes my mate. and he does love me. he just doesnt have to want me. i think we just feel perfect together.

i told him im truly trusting him this time because thats how much he means to me.

if he were to take his life...itd have to be a double suicide because i dont think i could live in this world without him. ive known him since 15. thats practically the whole time ive been me. and if he left this earth, itd be my fault. and i couldnt stand it.

for four years mexico has been an idea. five years, exactly, actually. and now, california is going to happen. he and i against the world. and i couldnt feel more sure about it.

when miguel and i talked about going to austin...i tried to imagine how i could make the transition away from him in a new place. with him..thats never been a thought. though, i did tell him if he needed to leave me once were there itd be okay. but he said why would we split paths once were there. eases my mind so much.

im not in love. for once. im not in love. i love him. i didnt know what the fuck love was. and i just realized...its him. it always has been. since the first time i saw im at 15. he was only 18 then! wow. hes been with my arch nemesis and my best friend. two people who...i dont even like to think about anymore. but i was first. and it feels so good. and we only dated for 3 months!!!! one week short of 3 months!!!! what the fuck?! and he cheated on me!!! but, i got over it...accepted it..let him hurt me a few more times...and here we are.

ready to start a new life the only way we know how...together.


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