11:49 a.m. - Friday, Mar. 06, 2009
i was reading some old diaries the other day (that i didnt kno existed) and i stumbled upon some very interesting entries. it was from the beginning half of my senior year. when i was with glen. gosh, ive been dumb.
he did the same thing to me then that he did to me this time around. and i cant believe i forgot what anguish i went through when taking his shit. i forgot the little things.
little things like him not calling me back (which i learned a couple months later pretty much meant he was cheating). or how much i yearned for his attention and felt blessed to receive it.
fuck that. fuck that. fuck. that.
i realized that ive been acting like a 17 year old for him. he doesnt deserve that. he doesnt deserve what i have. and i dont deserve to suffer making myself believe otherwise.
honestly, at this point, id much rather be friends with alex than him. i miss her. and shes much better now. but maybe were bad for each other (prolly). oh well.
i dont find new people so much as find new things in people i already know and love.
im at reids apartment. for years we talked about seeing each other. and there were times when i said itd never happen again. but in this desperate time in my life right now i figured there will never be a better time for me to go to him.
and like before all of these confusing feelings come. when im around him (well, all 12 hours now) im nervous for some reason. like...i have a crush or something. its annoying. and part of me does have a crush on him. i just want to pull him in and kiss him. or lay inside his arms.
thats not too confusing-pretty straightforward. but...is that what i really want? thats where i get confused. when that question arises. or...then what? like, how much do i want? or should i want? or should happen?
i need to not stress about it or let my stomach get tied in knots whenever were in each others presence. yeah..thats what i need to do.
for the umpteenth time, wish me luck