10:26 p.m. - Thursday, Mar. 12, 2009
i will always be a pubescent, hormonal girl.
thats how it seems.
i have issues. i get hurt. i get jealous. for some reason i like to act like i dont. as though im infallible or invincible to those emotions. who would believe that? i did. for most of my life.
i am just now accepting these flaws ive been harboring for so long. and now, after not having taken the time to learn how to control my anger, jealousy, and resentments they explode from me in a regrettable burst.
i said mean things to glen. i dont necessarily regret them-as they are my real feelings...i just regret being so apparently weak. and for succumbing to these horrible feelings. i dont call people names or get angry! but i did to him. he may have deserved it but thats not how i deal with things. but my fingers exploded. its not this one thing-or this last 3 months of things. its the last 8 years of things. of being led on. of being loved then neglected. of being given a run-around. and ive been so hurt from it. so hurt and hes never understood that hurt-he just keeps going. and this last bit was my last bit: his moving to georgia in the middle of our latest lovefest.
that hurt a lot. i have to be big enough to admit that. people dont like to admit when they are hurt. but its a first step. and i think letting go of whatever money he owes me is the last one. that is a tie, a string. something to keep me in contact with him, an excuse. forget it. he owes me nothing. we have nothing to discuss.
i went about it bad. i couldnt help it. i exploded in a dumb, girly fashion. an offensive, immature, uncharacteristic fashion. but its done now. i have to move on. i swear i never have. and if i did, i let him pull me back.
i did get over hector. if one were to go through these entries back to 2002 they would see that it took me a good 6 years to get over him, but ive done it.
glen may take longer. but if i allow myself i could shorten the grieving period dramatically. i can do it.
but when will i stop being such a girl? when will i stop being such a child? if i were just able to say how i really feel up front and in the first place...well then...all of my romantic faux pas would never have happened.