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9:08 p.m. - Thursday, Apr. 09, 2009
resignation of love
an update on the last two entries:

nothing happened with reid and i. and i knew then, as i do now, that that was for the best. itd have been a tease and more sentimental than romantic love. and a hook-up would have been as confusing and hard to live with as the first time around.

glen. after the last entry...something happened. im over it all. i feel stupid saying im over him. that i let him be something so hard to get over. but truly, after reading my diaries from when we dated, i understood everything. and that i shouldnt be torturing myself so much over him torturing me. i dont think about him anymore. and thats fine with me. i didnt even realize i dont think about him anymore until i just reread the entry before last.

lots of wordy rambling here...but its whats in my

me. now. ive resigned myself to a lonely life. i think that thats what i am in for. i honestly believe im not meant for it. i dont think that ill ever find a person who i can love (maybe because i dont love myself they say). i dont think ill ever be able to sustain a relationship if i ever enter one again. i just dont know how. im 23 and my longest relationship in this life was 5 months. and that was 2 years ago.

its scary.

its lonely.

this prospect of not finding my true love or soul mate (i do believe in soul mates) secretly tears me up inside. secrets out, i guess. but its something that im working on to be okay with. my whole life i have been obsessed with finding the love of my life now. like, always fantasizing and waiting and expecting. it got exhausting. and now, ive forgotten how to be in love and how to be loved. so, if heart is on the back burner.

they ask why i dont have a boyfriend. i say no one around is good enough. its sounds snotty, i know. but its true-not like that (i.e. rich or well educated). nobody makes me want them or even appeals to me in my life. so what am i supposed to do? just let everyone in? thats what ive been doing forever. so, no more. ill wait. or die as alone as i was born.

i dont really like this lonliness but ive forgotten anyway what its like to have love-or something like it. im becoming more and more accustomed to it.

the point of all of this is: i feel like i will never find any true love ever and its getting to be okay with me.

i have hook ups with people when certain opportunities present themselves (tristan and i a month and a half ago and me and migs the other night). i get some closeness that way-a human touch on me. i miss that. being touched.

but whatcha gonna do?


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