3:59 a.m. - Saturday, May. 09, 2009
i cant fight it.
i cant lie about it.
i cant stop thinking about it.
i am so lonely. so lonely.
so lonely that miguel is looking better and better to me everyday.
tonight...i had to restrain myself pretty hard from laying my head on his shoulder or giving him a long, warm hug. and it shouldnt be that way.
a fleeting thought of me being his girlfriend. only fleeting but inappropriate. its taken a very long time for us to regain a mostly normal, platonic friendship. im proud of us for it. im just that lonely that thoughts of jeopardizing that keep popping up.
i dont like him like that. i just want to give love and be loved. simple as that.
not so simple, really.
but i know he cares about me and that is such a magnetizing factor. nobody cares about me. and that he does makes me feel...vulnerable? towards him and inside.
i just...am so tired of being this island. i am so afraid that because i have been so alone for so long that i will never be able to function in a healthy relationship with anyone-friend or more.
but i want. i want so bad. it really really hurts. its very scary. im 23 and i still dont know if ive ever been in love. and if i was it was once and it turned into an unhealthy, one-sided obsession.
they say you have to love yourself in order for anyone to love you...well, im not sure if i do. but i do. but i dont.
i hate myself. im boring, low-brow, out of shape, unmotivated, introverted (unless im drunk), and all around broken. i know this. i try not to show it. head held high and big words and all. but, im sure all these insecurities shine through.
i dont know. im just feeling very stuck. and cant see a way out. its dark. its deep. and its just me.