8:48 a.m. - Tuesday, Aug. 25, 2009
i only talk to him like once a week. but then it just starts all over.
im noticing i update right after every time we talk. because it keeps reawakening something in me.
but now im a little confused.
i cant see us in a physical relationship but it breaks my heart to see him in one with anyone else.
im thinking of telling him to kinda let himself fall for me for a little while and maybe once i have what ive (thought) i want i wont want it anymore. and then this can all be over.
most of my previous relationships began because i wanted the guy to want me. not to say i didnt want them to some degree, but the most fun was winning them over. but once id succeed there was no longer any thrill. nothing more to dream about at night or look forward to the next day.
so...maybe...thats what this dumb pining for mike is right now: i want him to want me.
thus, i suggest a trial relationship with him all in. love me. and im almost sure that within six weeks ill be over it all.
i do love him though. i just would like to know how (much) he loves me. idk.
i just cant wait until october.
(im afraid one drunken, lonely night ill call him and say too much. and id erase his number if i didnt have it in my head.)