10:28 p.m. - Tuesday, Jan. 26, 2010
im about to make the dumbest mistake of the month
a couple days ago i scanned this and the others for references to jon...my ex. i found very few. which is odd considering i was with him when i got pregnant and unpregnant.
but in my defense..a lot was wrong with me at that time. and i was in a free float. no feelings. no idea what i was doing. just doing. not caring.
iim not sure what i was thinking going out with him. i have no clue. i was attracted to him definitely. and we did drugs together. i dont know. i didnt care about much.
well, i saw him a few weeks ago after almost 4 years (i believe april makes 4). i didnt want to see him. but it happened.
to be completely honest, i remember very little about that time of life. be it as a result of blocking out a stupid time or just too many drugs over the years. but i only vaguely remember us.
tonight he says he still loves me and wants to date again.
i dont think i ever loved him. i said it back then. but i didnt. going with the motions. and i dont think i could love him. i dont think were compatible despite the fact he thinks i truly get him. i dont even know him.
and with that whole last paragraph said, im considering it.
thats how lonely i am.
he loves me. i want to be loved. share some love. have someone. so bad. i want to be held and kissed and touched again. damn it. not really by him. but i dont see anyone else around. and in the long run i know id break his heart.
i suppose i could spend the whole time just drunk. ha. jesus, thats wrong. but...
hes still cute. and hes got a job.
oh, but how the cons outweigh the pros!
GIANT SAD FACE.
i told him i just want to be friends. get to know each other. but he doesnt even want to do that. he wants to jump straight in.
it feels so wonderful to be wanted though. it feels like its been an eternity.
i dont know what to do!!
