8:11 a.m. - Thursday, Jul. 29, 2010
butterflies and bad dreams...
i dont know what to do with myself really...
shannon says that this is simply another case where i want what i want until ive got it then i want it gone.
that could be true. im not psychic. but i do know how i feel right now. im in love. so in love. more than i have been in years and years and years. i dont want to try to fool myself. or lie to myself.
when i think back to the time of owen...i had a crush on him for a long time..like six months to a year long time. id see him whiz by on his skateboard, looking all cool. or talking to everyone and anyone in the plaza. i wanted him. then i got him. and it was nice for a week or two or three. and by the end of the short relationship i was content to never know him again.
but with owen i hardly got to know him before our first date. only date. i observed him from a very non-invasive vantage point. but justin..i watch him so intently and intensely all the time. im aware of his every move. be it a shift in his chair or where he goes for lunch. my brain computer is all over different aspects of him looking for my way in. im in. but i could be in-er.
i dream about him. see myself with him. feel just sublimely happy when we look at each other. when i am sitting in his presence. it feels really good. in a way i havent had the pleasure of feeling for over 3 years. but its so hard. to not be able to jump over his desk and just eat him up like a weird succubus. so hard.
ive told him almost wholly how i feel. i have showed him a picture of my breasts. which i may come to regret but at least i got him thinking about me more. i dont know what else to do! i know i need to pull back. i just cant. just like john cant stop eating cough medicine i cant reel in my affections. i feel like ive passed the point of no return.
i dreamt last night that he announced to me and my mom that he asked his girlfriend to marry him and she said yes. my heart stopped in the dream and when i just remembered that terrible dream in the shower. what would i do then? what the fuck would i do? watching my soulmate plan his wedding with a girl hes been dating for 6 months. uck. it makes tears come thinking about it.
all i need him to do is tell me he doesnt like me. it really is as simple as that. but he wont do that. he has said a couple times that he wont "confirm or deny" how he feels about me. which is why im still carrying on with this. if he said he didnt like me then id know we couldnt be meant to be together. and that i was a little off. but the way my insides feel...im not off. im rarely off.
i feel it too much inside. toooo much. i have no choice but to know. ive waited 9 months already. since ive known he and i need to happen. im giving him a few more. but if something doesnt happen by 2011, i have to go. leave. get away from him. and give us the time to come back around to each other. maybe in the meantime ill ask if he has any eligible bachelor friends.
