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12:10 a.m. - Friday, Jul. 01, 2011
im so TORTURED! ha. i laugh at myself. ha. tortured...i torched myself..

no. im just adjusting. readjusting.

i broke up with him. hes not for me. on my level. despite the physical need of him. and the being used to him. its not right. its not meant to be. i DO not want to be his. is it so wrong i want him to be mine? yeah. it is.

but theres this twist inside me thats not letting me go. or letting him go. whatever.

i was upset with myself that his tears garnered nothing from me. and that was a sign that it definitely was doomed. but now a week or two later..hes slowly but surely moving on and i just feel this bigger-than-normal-void that i want to have him fill up inside me. goddammit! this is what i told him. or tried to tell him...

the less he wants me the more ill want him.

and here we are.

im in gut-wrenching pain while hes accepting fate.

id rather put off the inevitable. have him sleep over. let him hold me. while i sleep soundly facing the other way.

i never held him in sleep.

except a couple of nights where id wake up and he was facing the other way. then i grabbed him. so hed remember me.

it hurts so much when they forget. move on.

what do i do? i was alone for 4 fucking years before he wandered into my hallway. then after 4 fucking months i cant be alone??? the fuck is that shit??

i hurt. bad.

part of it is hurt knowing he loved me more than anyone else ever will. in ways id accepted ill never be loved. it hurts so bad and makes me contemplate reconsideration.

the other part that hurts is just that Lonliness..that i briefly escaped for four months. its back. with a vengeance.

im strong. ive done it. and i can do it. its just that on these cisco nights...the road to i can do it gets a little bumpier..


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