11:04 p.m. - Friday, Aug. 19, 2011
i dont even know. how. to put these thoughts and feelings into words. words that do them any justice. but ive got to get them out of me. even just a little.
this kid is dead. d.e.a.d. oscar. whom ive known for maybe just right now 2 months...
this kid who wormed his way into my heart the very first day we met.
this kid who made me soo angry but whom id never cut ties with.
gone. just like that. splat. bam. boom. and im still here to write about it. michelle says he has to live through us now.
the mind is such a powerful muscle. my heart hurts. but only because of pain i feel as a result of human emotion. while this intangible pain is a result of brain activity...i feel it in my chest. idk..i have so much to say on this. not the heart pains but oscar and his death and the timing and now what.
i do not even know.
i wish i could have helped. but i highly doubt i could have. he didnt want to be around me as much because i didnt have the drugs. the ones he craved. he was going through something that i could never have fixed for him. but i wish hed have given me the chance to be there for him. i never even knew about his going to the hospital, being diagnosed, and prescribed things. i let money push me away from him.
i dont know. i wish that if i said that enough times i would know.
hes still real. so real. i can hear his voice. see him on my bed. i feel like im waiting for a text back from him right now. or for him to call me and see if im home.
i havent had anyone that i knew-on a daily basis-die in so long. i know he doesnt want anyone to waste time being sad, but instead to celebrate his life. but the realization that he was here one day and never again will be is fucking hard to swallow. i can still smell him. i can see him all over my room. never. never. never again. i didnt have enough time. i wanted to get to know him so much better. and vice versa. i wanted us to have so many more adventures than we did.
i guess now all i can do is feel lucky and privileged to have met this person. a person unlike any that ive yet to meet in my 25 years. im not ready to have felt lucky to have known him yet. im still mad at him. for such poor will power and coping skills. for not talking to me. for leaving his mom, his brother, me, all the people...it wasnt time. but maybe...people who live like that arent meant to stay. theyre meant to touch and go. idk. idfk. what is MEANT?? who decides MEANT???
if i thought i was in a funk before...fucking a. im not done writing about this. but i think i should stop now and smoke some pot and mindlessly watch mindless television programming. does that cancel itself out? making it mindful programming id be watching?? doubt it.