10:31 a.m. - Sunday, Aug. 21, 2011
here we go again
im not really sure what im doing. or why.
i say these words but im lying. i know why. i dont necessarily know what. because sometimes you never know what youre doing until its done.
glen is coming over to hang out. i told myself never again. if he hurts me one more time its the last time. that was last time. i did pretty well, i think. i didnt talk to him for 2 1/2 years. then he paid me (mostly) back. which was supposedly what i was really miffed about. once i couldnt use that as an excuse what am i fighting...
not only that, as for the why, but oscar. he died the same day i first saw glen. hours earlier if that. he owed me money too. and i didnt talk to him all week largely because of it. now ill never talk to him again. if glen died when we werent speaking id have been so upset with myself. i cant keep doing that.
he holds a piece of my heart undeniably and forever i think. no matter how much he hurts me ill love him. hes chosen drugs over me, cheated on me, moved out of state on me..theres more of course but those are the biggies. and yet, when he comes back to me i dont stop it. i fight it, ill admit. but he has a way of wearing me down. it doesnt take much honestly.
so, today were going to hang out and trip at the beach. its what we do. i love being around him. i hate that i love it. i dont want anything from him though. and i think that now im old enough not to let him be in charge of my emotions. i think.
last time i put a lot of expectations on him. that he never couldve lived up to. that was silly. but i guess i was in dire straits and just really wanted someone i could put something on. but im not that anymore. i wont say i want nothing out of him. i want him to respect me as a person and friend. which i think he does. but, unfortunately all our friends regularly fuck each other over so its just the way sometimes. and i want him to love me. but that one is an idle want. i know that. he does love me. but not the way i want. i want him to love me the most. i always have. yet, i dont want to be with him physically. kissing and doing sex. cuddling maybe. i dont know.
see how dumb i get? oy. but he makes me happy. just being around him. him wanting to be around me. because ive kinda done this a few times over the 10 years ive known him now. its the newness, thats all. hell drop the world for me right now. but its because we havent hung out or seen each other in so long. ill take it though, but i just have to keep the truth in mind.
idk. a whole lotta nothings here.
