10:43 p.m. - Wednesday, Sept. 07, 2011
more signs of aging
were friends. and its fine. its more than fine. its kinda what all ive ever wanted-besides wanting him to love me more than his own life. and now were good. were friends. i dont have any delusions anymore of us running away and creating a nomad life together in some far away state or neighboring country. its just good. friends.
ive spent soo many hours, pages, entries pining for him and resenting him and vowing my eternal love for him. its not silly. i wont belittle my feelings. because i really did feel that stuff. but as i said up there...delusions. kinda thats what it all was. kinda thats what he fed me and let me believe.
but were kinda adults now and weve found some sort of stable ground where we dont have to play games with feelings to be. we dont have to re-assume the roles we played over the course of our ten years. were just friends. and this is how it should be. the only way it can be and ever will be. and for the first time ever i am actually, truly, wholly completely okay with that.
i actually can never ever picture anything happen between us again. not just for the fact that his heart is taken. that has little to do with it. but its just not how it used to be. fucking age. and growing up. well, i guess i dont mind this part of growing up.
