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10:20 a.m. - Friday, Sept. 16, 2011
schoolgirl crush again
im losing it. in that i-have-a-crush-and-i-need-this-person-to-breathe-but-theres-no-way-we-can-ever-be way.

it happens every now and then. and i think the risks are even higher when im lonely. well, duh, i suppose.

goodness. i flipped over justin and for him. he was perfect. it was perfect. until he went and got a girlfriend. and now, almost 2 years later theyre still together and the furthest i ever got with him was showing him a picture of my tits. pretty pathetic. i know. but i FELT something betwixt us. he didnt i suppose. or at least not enough to leave his entrepreneur girlfriend.

now, ive met someone. also that i work with. also with a girlfriend. he doesnt work there at the moment, but i have a feeling hell be back soon. i also have a FEELING that it could be good. no. i dont know. i am not for him. i know that.

he doesnt smoke anything or drink anything, for one. hes part of a credit union, goes to the gym, dances for sport and fun, likes to fuck for 8 hours (this info taken with a grain of guysalt), his girlfriend is teeny and fits into his arms all cute and little...i am the opposite of all that..

i smoke and drink everything, my bank account has been overdrawn for weeks, ive never set foot in a gym, i only dance when im drunk-and poorly, i like to fuck for juust as long as it takes him to finish (taken with a grain of girlsalt), and right now...i couldnt fit into anyones arms..

but we connect. and its fun. and he has eyes. and they look at me sometimes. and its prolly his wiles, because they look at me so deeply sometimes. with something i dont know behind them.

it would and could never work. i acknowledge that but it hasnt stopped me from thinking about him nonstop this week. i suppose absence definitely makes the heart grow fonder. we used to work together 40 hours a week. now ive seen him for just minutes once a week for the last 2 weeks..i just wanna have him around again.

gah! but the flirting. i tell myself always that it has to stop. but when he steps in the room or looks at me this dumb smile cant be removed from my face and i cant help but over laugh at every thing. ugh.

oh, and...he reminds me so much of hector. in appearance and personality. that helps.

i have to stop. he has a girlfriend and i am Not his type. i would feel so inadequate even if he did somehow like me. i would be far too insecure about myself to take it anywhere past co-workers. unless we were drunk. but he doesnt drink. this is dumb.

once a girl, always a girl.


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