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2:15 p.m. - Tuesday, Jan. 31, 2012
UGH with a capital U
im too...something to write. i have a lot of thoughts on whats happened..and they are jumbled up in my head.

usually the only to remedy such a thing is to record it all here. im not ready to do that yet.

i wont keep it bottled up forever. but im not ready to put it out. in a straight line. make it real.

but, whats happened is...he's stopped talking to me.

so while i was planning to be the one to stop so that i wouldnt be hurt when the time came that i did something wrong and he cut ties...he'd already written his last email.

it leaves me with feelings of unworthiness...of unlovability. its my fault im sure. and that doesnt help either. the fact that there was no "break-up" email-that i didnt deserve an explanation...its stings. it all stings. my dumb assumptions, presumptions, expectations, naive fantasies. in the end, as always, i end up feeling like a big ass.

yet again, as always, i may be completely wrong. his mom may have fallen ill and i dont immediately register on the emergency contact list. but, if hes not smart enough, i may never know if thats what happened.

i blocked both of his email addresses from my yahoo. i cant stand constantly checking my inbox for an email that hasnt been sent. so, id rather know that nothing can come through. there are ways to get to me..he has my number, he could create a new email thats not blocked, and my alternate email is on my resume that i sent him..

uugh. im tempted to unblock him now. i have stopped checking my email every 5 minutes. maybe hes got a reason and i never received the explanation and he thinks im ignoring him, thus why would he call me?

I HATE THIS. i dont want to do this anymore. i dont want to do it again. just me and my (insert inanimate companion here). thats all i need.


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