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11:09 a.m. - Monday, Sept. 17, 2012
no heart luck lately
wow. it has been too long.

i have been in new york almost 3 months (in 3 days) and i have not recorded a single lusty thought, sexcapade, sexy dream! there have been many and plenty. im ashamed of myself.

theres this thing i have going on. it has me uncharacteristically upset. he played me. once i realize what was happening i walked around in a mopey state of shock. i forgot thats what guys mostly do because its been sooo long since its happened to me (that i know of). i let myself like him real good. then i got him. he liked me back and even wanted a relationship with me. then i stopped liking him a little just for that simple fact that he wanted a relationship with me. then he refused to see me for 2 days so i was over it and we "broke up" if you can call 6 days dating. then he told me how he missed me and we kinda had a thing going on while not officially dating. but he tells me hes got other girls. so, i figure i can do the same-which, of course i can. but then he gets upset, assholey, douched up and we fight over dumb shit. i storm off. he comes to where i am. we leave things poorly but are constantly aware of the others presence.

i like him for a lot of reasons: hes cute, hes articulate, a good thinker, hes kind of a major player in the inner circle of the square, hes silly, hes firm on what he believes in, he treats me like crap, hes sweet, he doesnt like me as much as he should, he skateboards real cute.

it wont work though. and it kinda really sucks. i am not a homeless bum. i cant be at or around union at all times. there are lots of girls there. lots that he has prior shit with. im just new pickings. not to mention other boroughs of girls and places to sex them up. because he doesnt like me as much as i want/need him to, there is no reason to expect hell tell me the truth about his ongoings. and i really dont want to be constantly doubting every word out of his mouth. which is what i do. which is one reason its not working. but it was fun while it lasted. well, the 2 days before it was "official" were probably the best. i took him away from the square to a music festival. that was the best. just us time. drinking. smoking. making out. walking. talking. our first kiss was in the middle of the manhattan bridge.

since then ive hung out with people he doesnt like, people he doesnt like because he doesnt know them, and someone that he probably does like but they like me now so its different. and ive seen him hang out with a girl he says is his ex. so we suck. to each other. i really liked him. i like that hes not easy, mostly. when he said he liked me and wanted to date me i couldnt believe it because hes not the type. sigh, if i could make him the type. but, im not the type that can make him the type. im not bad enough or cool enough. not in the way he needs. its a doomed love.

lately, been hanging out with remy. well, the last 2 days. i like him. not as much-hes not as complex. ha. but hes nice. a little boring maybe. but tall and cute and..nice. yes. i realize tall and cute are nothing he has made himself into. just luck of the draw. im pretty tempted to go to union now...thinking about all the boys.

ha. boys. they would be men, in other lives. but, alas, theyre all homeless bums. but i like em. for now.

im boy-crazy right now, thats for sure. i just spent the last 20 minutes not finishing this entry looking on craigslist for potential. sheesh. ill try to write more in here. goodness knows ive no shortage on what to write lately.


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