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3:30 a.m. - Friday, Oct. 26, 2012
mis-takes and okays
the only reason i called myself monstrathart is because men..boys more like-turned me that way at a much younger age. and ive remained monstrous in lots of ways since-thanks to them.

in the last 2 months..ive been checked. ive been grounded. knocked from my high horse.

its weird. hard. lonely. its lonely at the top and even moreso at the bottom after being on top for so many years.

my break up with complex was mutual. and we still felt feelings for each other a month after the fact. we still both rued certain actions and decisions and i think still hold a tea candle for one another.

remy is a slightly different story.

i broke up with him because it was dumb to even be with him in the first place. but i was lucky that his candle for me was more a 3 wick one and that he stayed with me even after we were no longer official.

i dont know how long i thought it would last-him being my puppy. especially when i dont live at union square and he does.

and yet it shocked me to the core the day i showed up there (at 4am just for him, no less) and he told me (at like 9 am, not 4) that he was pursuing another thing. it really shook me. i felt defeated and deflated. i felt empty and unimportant.

i havent been back there since. itll be 2 weeks like now.

i was upset. for a few days.

ive not been so upset over boys in years! i dont even know how many years. probably glen or mike in college. even with matt and miguel and owen, i won. i had the upper hand and i controlled the end result.

with these 2, shit was as unpredictable on me as could be and i am unprepared for that. i spent almost a week thinking about remy and being really really sore about it. every time a sour thought crossed my mind, i had to remind myself that he is homeless as fuck and that i broke up with him weeks before he hooked up with someone else.

not to mention i hooked up with sol in the meantime.

who do i think i am???

i dont know. thats the thing. but i dont like it.

i want to be special to someone. and i let them make me feel that way. ignoring the inherent knowledge that im nothing. especially if i dont show up to see them. i disappear in more ways than one and im not the first. and that makes me feel pretty unspecial. all the girlfriends theyve had. all the girls they know. that appear at the square only to disappear days, weeks, or months later. and their lives there go on. who am i? no one. but a fun time while it lasted.

now that i think ive let that sink in, and now that ive realized..let some other working girl (not whore, but a girl with a real job) deal with their bullshit...i care much less.

let these girls with jobs worry about their homeless boyfriends or baby-daddys while they make money and support everyone.

im still hurt that i wasnt the most important thing for either. or that i didnt make the strongest connection or have the longest lasting effect..cuz i hold myself in that sort of high regard where i do those things...but..i also constantly tell myself that its for the best: i do not need another homeless boyfriend. 3 is enough and i can barely take care of myself let alone a grown man who is completely handi-capable.

they made me feel good though, complex and remy. and they accepted me. thats hard to come by so easily. but maybe its because theyre just sitting there out in the open. they may have been fishing for me as much as i was fishing for them. for us all, the bait was right but the catch was all wrong. and im finally okay with having thrown them back...

i am going to see whats up there though this weekend. 2 weeks is the longest ive been away from union since in discovered it 3 months ago. im sick of sitting at home Trying to find love online. not to mention i cant get loosies on okcupid.


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