11:20 p.m. - Thursday, Mar. 28, 2013
i dont do much these days...
i dont feel much these days..except empty..lonely..unfulfilled..
well, right now im feeling something-hence this entry..
i. am. confused.
i am torn and confused. mostly the latter.
ever since a few months ago when john told me he loved me..
why would he say that?
these are all questions that ran circles in my head the rest of that night..that night i tried to act like he hadnt said that. like he hadnt just tugged the first tug on the string that could unravel this brotherly love relationship that came so easily and that weve worked pretty hard to maintain...idk.
and since that night everything between us has been normal. but every now and again the memory returns. sitting in milanos. at the table under the happy birthday banner nikki didnt like. the table wed sit with kris at weeks later. the table we sat with matt at a week before...
some of the last words id ever want to hear from him are those of his love for me. in the sense that hes in love with me. ive never seen him in that light. as a lover. companion, yes-lover, no.
yet..when the thought that maybe he just said that because he was high on cough medicine creeps into my mind..my heart feels an ache that can only be attributed to disappointment and sadness..(when i was doing copious amounts of the stuff i Knew the world would end in 2012 and that my soul would proceed to transcend time and space and that glen and i were meant to be together forever in some form or another..what i didnt know was that i was fuckin trippin in every sense of the word-needless to say none of the things i knew were true)
ok. im dancing around the 6ft3 man bush...
im writing tonight because, apparently, i dont know how i feel about john. my best friend. my brother. i feel something very strong for him. im just not sure what it is.
he makes me feel good. he makes me feel beautiful. he makes me feel strong. he makes me feel everything coke does actually..ha. he makes me feel like i can do anything. he makes me feel wanted and needed. (coke does the opposite there.)
what i love about us is that we take care of each other. in every way possible (not evveerrry way if you catch my drift, me, and i think i do). i feel lucky to have a person in my life that id gladly split the last beer on earth with. there is no one else i can say that about.
i dont know. part of my heart dilemma is time..one, we know each other so well. by the time i ever meet someone ive got 8 years of history with john. of our highest highs and pretty low lows. no one else will have seen me in the various states of crazy he has. it will take a lot of time with someone new to feel the way around them that i do him. and i havent met anyone recently who i remotely care to invest that much into. the other part of the time dilemma is how well we know each other. if we were to try it out..we already have a great foundation. we know each other in and out and how to deal with each other. weve lived together twice now.
im never going to want to read this again. unless we get married or something.
still beating round that giant bush...
i think..THINK..i may have feelings for john motherfuckin tolliver. just a little. or maybe more. i dont know. and i dont know what to do with it.
i cant tell him. what would i say? i think im in love with you too? and then what if hes like: what? too? and doesnt even remember that damn night. i dont know how id say something. id be so embarrassed! i dont know why..im never embarrassed with him.
okay..ive been writing for 30 minutes now. what have i come out with?
1. ill probably never tell him of these feelings