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1:26 p.m. - Wednesday, Jul. 24, 2013
dear john
i talk to old people all day long. and part of old people is couples. they take care of each other. depend on each other. rely on each other. love each other. and have done so for countless (not countless really, just a turn of phrase?) years and will continue to do so until the day the first one dies.

i wonder...i wonder..will we be like that? i want to. i hope to. i want to. but then i think about what they mustve gone through together to get where they are today. and so much happens in time. over years. part of me feels like they are veterans of a war. they survived. they made it through alive. idk. i wonder if we can do that. can we make it through life so we can be happy and old together? can i make it is my biggest concern. can i do this? i wonder.

is this what i want? my biggest fear is staying in something that maybe i shouldnt. that maybe isnt the best thing for me. and by staying i will be changed. morphed into someone who needs to be in this relationship. and i wont know how to function without it. and i will be dependent on feeling shitty. because thats how i feel a lot of the time. and anyone can get used to anything after long enough and if their brain is in a mushy impressionable state. which, sometimes lately, im beginning to wonder if mine is. idk.

i want to be with you. i want to love you and be loved by you. but a lot of the time i feel bad. and hats not good. i dont know what to do. im not considering breaking up with you. if i did that then i would. to even give birth to the thought would result in it happening. conscious or not. ugh. oy.


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