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9:35 a.m. - Tuesday, Nov. 05, 2013
jail bait heart
i am so sad, it doesnt go away. i wear my new sadness like sunglasses on an endless summer beach. always on. my old happy eyes never seein the light of day.

johns been in jail for roughly two days. fuck. it feels like so much fucking longer.


our relationship has been flawed, to say the least. we dont go a week without fighting and we dont always see eye to eye and sometimes i cant stand him. but i do love him. i love him a lot.

i love his passion. his eyes. his hands. his childlike wonder. his love for me. his love for animals and the underserved from special needs people to bums on the street. his musical talent. his sense of humor. his blue eyes. so much more.

maybe i have been ungrateful. always selfish. thats just me. i need to love him better.

now we have time. for me to learn a lesson. and hopefully him one too, because he is not without his faults. thats why i broke up with him 12 hours before his arrest.

im scared. alex said something yesterday like: deja vu, huh? and im like, yeah this is my second boyfriend in jail...

funny cuz the last one was my ex jon. and at that time i found out i was pregnant. and the really funny thing, my current boyfriend was potentially my babys father. hilarious. too bad well never know.

i just fucking HOPE TO GOD that history doesnt repeat itself too much. well, id know who the father is this time at least...but noooooooooo. oh god. im very scared of being pregnant right now. i left work early one night last week due to nausea...now. is. not. the. time.

im so sad.

i dream about him.

i imagine his van pulling into the parking lot at work to pick me up.

i hear his voice.

see his smile.

none of its real. and i dont know how long itll be this way.

im in mourning. i really am. it feels terrible. im at least hoping to lose some weight during these stressful times.

that way hell love me even more when we next have relations.

im so heartbroken. and every morning when i wake up (both of them so far) my heart breaks all over when i remember that dreams are dreams and in my real life hes not here.

he says im doing this time with him. boy, fuck was he right...

 

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