10:30 a.m. - Monday, Feb. 17, 2014
When I was in New York I told myself that the next relationship I got in would be my last. I was sick of being used (joel, randoms). I was sick of...and how do I say this right? I was sick of being obsessed over and feeling constantly pestered (Matt, Jesus). And then I was sick of not being important enough (Complex, Remy, every other guy ever). I just wanted It. And fuck it wasn't for lack of trying (see above poor bastards). I left no stone unturned looking for someone I could bear to look at every day for a really long time...
Then I moved home. And must have been looking for some purpose to it all or I just have still been tripping on New York smog...thinking I was meant to be with John Tolliver! I think I'll refer to him as a just checking cuz I was just checking. And the answer was no.
Then I re-met Jersey John...and everything was okay. I wasn't afraid anymore of being alone forever. Just the way he looked at me I knew. I wanted to be in his eyes forever and I wanted to beaq part of all the things he saw through them baby blues....and I knew he loved me. Now I know things are romanticized in retrospect. But this is not. I've always been attracted in more ways than one to him. Anytime, I've the 7 years, that I saw him, I just wanted him to want me and he always looked at me like he wanted me-even when I saw him with another girl....